


The Happiest Place on Earth

by majorhtom



Series: Lean on Me [4]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Disney World, Gen, crow is very annoying, joel losing his patience, long car rides, mike is trying his best, references to 2008, things do not go to plan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-11-12 16:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18013955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majorhtom/pseuds/majorhtom
Summary: Joel and Mike take Cambot, Crow and Servo to Disney World. But will it be the vacation they’re hoping for?





	1. Chapter 1

“Joel, do you think the bots are going to handle a long car journey?” Mike asked. 

“I’m not having them go on an airplane and set off the metal detectors.” Joel said. “Mike, they’ll be detained by the TSA and we’ll be put on the terrorist watch list. You know what this post-9/11 world is like.” 

“Yeah.” Mike rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, I do.” 

“So you’re happy to ride shotgun with Cambot?” Joel asked. 

“Remind me again where Crow and Servo will be sitting.”

“Tom behind me and Crow behind you, just in case he gets bored and kicks the back of the chair.”

“No fair!” Mike cried out. “Why do _I_ have to deal with the kicking?!” 

“Because _I’ll_ be the one driving and if I get distracted by his kicking, then I could end up crashing the car and killing us all.” Joel said. 

“Yeah, I... guess that makes sense.” Mike nodded. 

“Are you all packed and ready to go?” Joel asked. 

“Yeah, all apart from my shoes and pyjamas and razor and shit like that.” 

“Don’t bring your flip flops.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because you’ll be doing a lot of walking. Wear sensible shoes.” 

Mike scoffed. “And I suppose you’re packing your Birkenstocks.” 

“I’m packing my grey sneakers, actually.” Joel said. “The Birks are staying at home. Look, if you want to wear sandals, wear your Crocs or something, I don’t know.” 

“You should wear Crocs, Joel, they’re actually _very_ comfortable.” 

“Then bring them, but I’m not having you get your flip flop stuck in a tram rail and you break your ankle or you come off a curb wrong and break your ankle or you don’t look where you’re going properly and you-“

“Break my ankle?” Mike asked, folding his arms. 

“No, stub your toe.” Joel said. “Not to mention they might fall off on one of the rides.” 

“I get it, Joel, no flip flops.” Mike said. “So how are you going to keep this a secret from Crow and Servo?” 

“I’m just not going to tell them.” Joel said. 

“Oh yeah, that worked out really well the last time.” 

“What do you mean, Mike?” 

“I mean, you didn’t tell any of the bots that you were put in a full body cast and fell into a coma after crash landing back on Earth and they iced you out.” 

“There’s several things wrong with what you just said. One, as I keep telling you, I _wasn’t_ in a coma, I was under sedation. Two, I had three separate casts-one on my leg and one on each of my arms and neither of them touched the rest of me. Three, the bots didn’t ice me out, they just... sulked a bit.”

“Didn’t you break your back as well?”

“Yeah, I did, but that was held in place by a back brace. They couldn’t do much because of the broken ribs.”

“Don’t they bandage them up too?” 

“No! No, they don’t. It’s bad for broken ribs to be bound because for them to heal, the lungs need to expand. They were covered in gauze though.” Joel lifted his shirt to expose the white, fading scars crisscrossing along his side and abdomen.

“Geez.” Mike blinked. That was the first time he was seeing Joel’s scars. 

“I know.” Joel said. “And _I_ lived it. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t bring the flip flops.” He pulled his shirt back down. 

“But it didn’t happen because you tripped up wearing flip flops.” Mike pointed out. 

“Don’t argue with me, Mike.” Joel said, shaking his head. “I went through all that to _save_ you. You can’t throw it away now.” 

Joel’s scars still flashed in Mike’s head. He couldn’t imagine how horrifying it must have all looked at the time. And there he was on the SOL showing off with shadow puppets to make the bots like him better because Joel showed up while Joel was fighting for his life down in Wisconsin. “I’ll go and take the flip flops out of my case.” He said sheepishly. 

“I’ll go load the car.” Joel said. 

The two of them stood up off Joel’s sofa and went their separate ways.

* * *

The next morning, Joel snuck into Crow and Servo’s bedroom. It was six in the morning and so the sun wasn’t quite up yet. Taking his opportunity in the dark, he climbed their bunk beds and carefully picked up Servo, sleeping on the top bunk. Because of Servo’s lack of eyes, it was hard for Joel to see whether he was awake or not. Slowly, though, he climbed back down and slipped out of the room. 

“I think Crow’s still sleeping.” Joel whispered to Mike, who was standing right outside. “He didn’t say anything.”

Mike simply nodded and went into their room himself. 

Joel walked across the landing and, careful not to jostle the hopefully still sleeping robot in his arms, down the stairs. He didn’t know why they were sneaking around like this, the bots were still programmed to be ‘asleep’ at this time and Cambot was still on stand-by. Maybe it was just more fun to do it this way. He and Mike may have been well into their forties, but they still needed their fun. 

Joel slowly moved Servo in his arms and tried to open his front door. Finding he couldn’t reach the lock, he got on tiptoes and hoped that opening it wouldn’t cause a loud noise. It didn’t, of course. But he was faced with an entirely new problem; how was he going to open his car? In hindsight, he should have done all that before. 

He set Servo down on his garden path and dashed inside for his car keys. Picking them up from the bowl by the front door, Joel then ran to open his car as Mike emerged from the front door.

“Why’s Servo sitting on the floor?” Mike asked. 

“Because he is.” Joel replied.

“Is he awake?” 

Joel bit back a laugh. “No.” He picked Servo up carefully. “He isn’t.”

“Then why-“

“I forgot to open the car before I got the bots.” 

“Oh.” Mike nodded. 

Joel put Servo in his special made car seat (he was too small to ride without one) and buckled him up.

At the other side, Mike set Crow down in the back passenger seat and put a seatbelt over him. 

“Alright. Let’s just grab breakfast for the road, pick up Cambot and get the hell out of Osseo.” Mike said.

“Hey! I _live_ here!” Joel protested. “How would you feel if I said Appleton sucks?”

“Appleton _does_ suck, Joel.” Mike said. “That place sucks the life right out of me to the point where I feel like offing myself every day.”

“Well... suicide isn’t the answer.” Joel said.

“I know. I’m actually looking to move away, but I don’t have enough money.” 

“You should riff movies for a living. I bet it’d pay more than temping.” 

“I’d rather not have to riff a movie again in my life, thanks.” Mike said. “At least not on my own terms.” 

“Tom and Crow are always going to do that. It’s their purpose, it’s what I built them for.” Joel said. “Just like I built Cambot to film and Gypsum to keep me alive.”

“It’s been so long since either of us were on the SOL.” Mike said. “It’s been so long since we first met.”

“You’re right.” Joel said. “We’re a family and we have been ever since I got off the drugs.” 

“Do you still get pain?” Mike asked.

“Sometimes.” Joel closed the car door and started walking back towards his house. “Mainly in my hip and my shoulder. I just take a couple of Tylenol.”

“I’m gonna swipe some ready waffles for breakfast and then grab Cambot.” Mike said. 

“Grab me some too.” Joel said.

“Sure.” Mike shut the door and ran off back to Joel’s house. 

Joel opened the driver’s door and climbed inside. He adjusted the rear view mirror and looked at the two bots in the back who were still in standby mode. 

Joel loved his bots. Sure he felt a bit weird towards them at first, but he quickly came to care for them. It was only after he was ejected from the SOL that he realised how much he really loves them. He _had_ brought them life after all.

When Joel saw Mike coming-waffles in one hand and Cambot tucked under his other arm, he reached over to the passenger side to open the door and let Mike in. 

“Hey, thanks.” Mike said, handing Joel the waffles.

“Anything good?” Joel looked through the waffles. 

Waffles properly unloaded, Mike climbed into the passenger seat. “They’re just regular waffles, Joel.” Mike said. 

“Alright.” Joel selected a waffle. “Get your seatbelt on and we’ll get this show on the road.”

“Why do I have to wear my-“

“Mike!” Joel admonished. “Just do it. It’s the law. And you don’t want your body smashed up-it hurts like nothing else.” 

“Fine.” Mike grabbed his seatbelt and put it on, then picked the grey orb shaped robot from his lap. “Alright, let’s get going.” 

* * *

Around an hour into the drive, Crow emerged from his stand-by mode and startled both Mike and Joel. 

“Why are we in Joel’s car?” He asked. 

“Jesus, Crow!” Mike said, grabbing his chest. “Don’t _do_ that!”

“You didn’t answer my question.” 

“Well uh, because I’m taking you somewhere.” Joel said. 

“Where?” Crow demanded. 

“I’ll tell you when Tommy and Cambot wake up.” 

“No!” Crow kicked the back of Mike’s seat. “Tell me now! I wanna know that you’re not taking me somewhere icky! Like-like the dentist!”

“Crow, you don’t-ow-you don’t have teeth.” Mike said, his voice wobbling slightly from the kicking he was receiving from Crow. 

“You’d still try to take us to the dentist.” 

“Cambot doesn’t-doesn’t even have-have a mouth,” Mike turned his head, “knock it off.” 

“NO!” Crow shouted, giving Mike his hardest kick yet. 

“Joel-help me out?” Mike begged. 

“Crow, honey, stop kicking Mike’s chair. If you don’t stop, then we aren’t going to Disney World.” Joel said. 

Crow scoffed. “Like you’d even take us to Disney World.” 

“Who’s going to Disney World?” Servo asked. He’d ‘woken up’ too. 

“Well... we are.” Mike said. 

Cambot chirped in disbelief.

“Yeah, buddy.” Joel said. “Really.”

“Like... for _real_?” Crow asked. “You _really_ mean you’re taking us to Disney World?” 

“Yeah, I mean it.” Joel said. 

“We’re staying at the All Star Movies Resort.” Mike said. 

“What’s that?” Servo asked. 

“It’s a Disney hotel.” Joel said. “We’re not only going to Disney World for the next two weeks-“

“Which will cover most of our birthdays.” Mike added.

“But it’s gonna be on site.” Joel finished. 

“When you say ‘most of our birthdays...?” 

“Sorry, Tommy.” Joel said. “It’s not us.” 

“It’s _never_ us.” Servo complained. 

“Well, I got something good planned for _your_ birthday, Tom, if you don’t mind waiting a few weeks.” 

“It’s a few weeks until my birthday anyway.” Servo said. 

“I meant Christmas.” Joel said. 

“Why? What’s happening at Christmas?” Crow asked. 

“Something fun.” Mike said. 

“You own your own Hot Fish Shop and now you’ve gone crazy with the cash-“

“I’m doing this because you’re my family.” Joel said. “And I love you all.” 

“Bullshit.” Crow said. “You’re just going so it can’t be wrecked again!” 

“You can’t blame Joel for wanting a good family Christmas.” Mike said. “You put me in the emergency room one year.” 

Crow rolled his eyes. “For _stitches_ , Mike.” 

“And a concussion _and_ a dislocated shoulder-I tripped over you and fell down the stairs!” 

“Wouldn’t be the first time you tripped over me, you _stupid_ _man_.” 

“Hey, no insults, Crow, leave those back in Osseo.” Joel said.

“And then there was that time Joel was horribly ill and threw up like forty times.” Servo said.

“It was more like ten-“

“No, Joel. It  _was_ more like forty.” Mike said. “I counted, just in case I had to bring you to the hospital.” 

“Oh.” Joel blinked.

“Last Christmas was terrible.” Servo said. 

“Nah Christmas was good. _New Year_ was bad.” Mike said. 

“Only because you got drunk and fought a firework.” Crow said. “You _are_ stupid.” 

“Crow, I mean it. _No_ insulting Mike.” Joel said. 

“Or anyone else.” Mike added. 

“So is Gypsum coming along?” Servo asked. 

“No, she’s busy with her company.” Joel said. “This recession’s been really bad for her business and she’s got to stay behind to try and keep it afloat.”

“That thought _really_ bums me out.” Servo said.

“I’ve told her that there’s always a place at my house for her if she needs it.” Joel said. “She’s my robot _daughter_ , I’m not going to see her live on the streets.”

“Is she going to be with us for your fun Christmas plans?” Crow asked. 

“She hopes to be.” Joel said. “And she supports what I’m doing.” 

“What _are_ you doing?” Crow asked. 

“Taking you to Disney World.” Mike said. 

“You mean we really _are_ going?” Crow asked. 

“Yes.” 

“Like for real?” 

“Yes.” 

“For really real?”

“Yes.” 

“You really, really, _really_ mean it?” 

“Yes, now stop asking, Crow.” Joel said. 

“You mean we’re really, for real-“

“Crow T Robot, I mean it.” Joel warned. 

“This is awesome.” Servo said. “I’ve never left the Midwest. Joel has, but he didn’t take us with him-“

“I went to Oregon for a _funeral_.” Joel said. “You guys wouldn’t have liked it.”

“We would have!” Crow protested. “Funerals are fun! That’s why you can’t spell ‘funeral’ without fun!”

“Crow _The_ Robot!” Joel shouted. “This is the _fourth_  time I’ve had to tell you off in the span of _ten minutes_! Do you not _want_ to go to Disney World?” 

“No, I do-I-“

“Then act like you do.” Joel said. “Behave. No insulting Mike or Tom or Cambot or me or anyone else not in this car. No asking repetitive stupid questions you already know the answer to. No kicking the back of Mike’s seat. And no stupid comments like ‘funerals are fun’. Funerals are _not_ fun, Crow. They’re so you can mourn and pay your respects to dead people.”

“Then why did you go to Oregon for a funeral?” Crow asked. 

“Because my brother-in-law died and I wanted to pay my respects.” Joel said. “Can we _not_ talk about this?” 

“Joel’s right.” Mike said. “Funerals... not a good topic to talk about while travelling to Disney World.” 

“You _really_ mean we’re...”

“CROW!” Everyone’s voices shouted out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I’m at Disney World myself right now and that’s what inspired this.  
> Crocs were disturbingly popular in 2008. My mother bought everyone in my family a pair.  
> I’m gonna pretend the waffles was an obvious reference and not just because I had waffles for breakfast this morning.  
> Mike riffing movies is a RiffTrax reference.


	2. Chapter 2

 A very long drive (and a brief stop at a Best Western in Tennessee) later, and they’d managed to make it to Orlando in one piece. Even more miraculously, they’d made it to the hotel in one piece. 

“Alright, you’ve both got to be on your best behaviour here. I don’t want a repeat of what happened at the Best Western.” Joel said. 

Mike shook his head. “Those poor nuns.” 

“Yeah, but they were only nuns.” Crow said. 

“Nuns are people, Crow.” Mike said. 

“Yeah, but they’re not real people.” Crow argued. 

“Yes. They are.” Joel said. “I’m having no more said about the nuns now. And I’ll send them an apology card when we’re back in Osseo. Mike, unload the car.” 

“You got it, Chief.” Mike said, unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Don’t be a dick, Mike.” Crow said as Mike climbed out of the car.

“Crow, what did I say about insulting Mike?” Joel asked.

“You told me not to.” Crow said. 

“Yeah, and that still stands.” Joel unbuckled his seatbelt and followed Mike out of the car. “You’re nearly twenty years old. You know not to insult Mike and yet you do it anyway. I’m asking you nicely now, Crow, stop it.” 

Cambot hovered out of the car and went to observe Mike. 

Joel opened the rear driver’s side door to unbuckle and let Servo out, after all, child locks were activated for a reason. As he was letting Servo out of his safety seat, Crow reached over and swiped Joel’s glasses right off his face. 

“Haha! I got your glasses!” Crow said triumphantly. 

“Give those back, Crow.” Joel said. 

“No.”

“I mean it. Give them back.” 

“Why do you even need glasses anyway, Joel?” Crow asked. 

“Because I’m near sighted. I can’t see without them, Crow.” 

“You didn’t used to wear them on the SOL like you do now. You’d only wear them a little bit.” 

“Because eyes change. Mine got worse, so I need all the time glasses. Now give them back.”

Mike grabbed the glasses back from Crow and tapped Joel on the shoulder. Joel turned around and Mike put them on Joel’s face, a little lopsided. “Here. Sorry about that.” 

“Yeah. Thanks.” Joel adjusted his glasses. “Not your fault, but-“

“You’d think Crow would have learned to behave by now.” Mike interrupted. 

Joel finished unbuckling Servo and stepped back, allowing Servo to hover out. 

“I know how you feel.” Joel said. “Trust me. I’ve known him longer. And I made him. But I didn’t make him to be this annoying.” 

“Probably Disney that’s got him all worked up like this.” Mike said. 

“I don’t know... look at Tom. He’s fine. A-and Cambot.” 

“Crow’s... well, he’s Crow.” 

Joel nodded. “All the cases unloaded?” 

“Well, there was only two-yours and mine.” Mike said. “The bots just had a backpack.” 

“Ah yeah.” Joel said. “Let’s go and check in.” He locked his car up and went to grab the handle of his red suitcase. 

“Joel, are we really staying here?” Servo asked. 

“We sure are, Tom.” Joel said. 

Mike started pulling his black suitcase behind him. “Joel and I booked separate rooms, but yeah, we’re all staying here.” 

“Where do we stay?” Crow asked.

“You’ve got the choice, you can either stay with me or Mike.” Joel said. 

“What If I want to stay with Mike, but Cambot and Servo want to stay with you?” 

“Then you can.” Mike said. “We promise, neither of us will be offended.” 

They walked to the main lobby and the bots were approached by a smiling Cast Member. “Would you like a Mickey Mouse sticker?” 

“Sure.” Servo said. 

“Ah ah ah!” Crow put out his claw hand. “Give us the whole roll or die.”

“Crow!” Joel grabbed Crow’s netting and pulled him away. 

“I’m sorry. He’s just...” Mike shrugged, not knowing how to finish that sentence. 

“I still want a Mickey Mouse sticker.” Servo said.

The Cast Member tore a sticker off the roll and handed it to Servo. 

“I can’t take it, no working arms.” 

Gingerly, the Cast Member peeled the circular sticker from its backing and stuck it to Servo’s dome.

“Thank you.” Servo said. He hovered quickly into the building after the rest of his family.

* * *

Mike and Joel had been assigned rooms next door to each other, which made the bots happy. But they turned a lot of heads, with some even thinking they were Disney World Imagineering effects. In the end, Crow had wanted to stay with Joel, while Cambot and Servo stayed with Mike. And the next morning, Crow pounded on Mike’s door, while Joel was barely ready. 

“Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!”

Mike opened the door and bent down over Crow in his t-shirt and boxer shorts. “What, Crow?” 

“You ready?” Crow asked. 

“No, I’m not ready, Crow.”

“We’re going for breakfast!” 

“No, we’re not, Crow!” Joel called out. “Not yet!” 

“You godforsaken little robot.” Mike muttered. 

“I’m not the one who blew up three planets by accident.” Crow said. 

“Don’t take that tone with me-the Observers... survived.” Mike said. “They don’t have physical bodies, remember-“

“But the apes didn’t.” Crow said. “Except Bobo.”

“And what about the Camping Planet?” Servo piped up.

“Guys, leave Mike alone.” Joel said, appearing clad in shorts and t-shirt in the doorway. “Accidents happen.” 

“You never blew up any planets in your time on the SOL, did you Joel?” Mike asked. “Or destroyed any multi million dollar space probes?” 

“Cant say I have, no.” Joel said. 

“That’s what I thought.” Mike nodded. He ducked back inside the room for a pair of shorts and quickly pulled them on. He slipped on a pair of green Crocs and grabbed his wallet. “C’mon Servo.”

Cambot chirped in indignation.

“You too, Cambot.” Mike said. 

“We’re going for breakfast now?” Crow asked.

“We’re going for breakfast now.” Joel confirmed.

“You’re wearing your Swiss cheese shoes!” Crow said.

“Come on, Crow.” Joel said.

 As they walked down the hall of the hotel, Servo noticed something and pointed to Joel’s thigh. “Is that a scar?” 

“Yes it is, Tom.” Joel said. “I broke my femur.” 

“Did it hurt?” Crow asked. 

“Yes, Crow, broken legs hurt.” Mike said. 

“You broke your leg?” Crow asked. 

“I just said I did.” Joel said. 

“I was talking to Mike.” 

“When I was younger, yeah.” Mike shrugged. “Kids break stuff all the time, including themselves. It’s not really a big deal.” 

“How old were you really, Mike?” Crow asked. 

“Crow, please. Leave Mike alone.” Joel said. 

“No.” 

“Yes.” Joel said. “Or I’m leaving you in the hotel room today.”

They came to a stop outside the elevator doors. Mike pressed the call button.

”I’ll come after you.” Crow said.

“I’m willing to sacrifice my day in the theme parks to make sure you get your punishment. I’ll just read Harry Potter and watch MSNBC.” Joel said.

”MSNBC?! That’s sick!” Crow exclaimed. 

“Well stop picking on Mike.” Joel said. 

Mike rubbed the back of his neck. “He’s not really picking on me.” He said. “He’s actually done worse than this-this is actually pretty mild.” 

The elevator doors opened and another family were inside; a mother, a father and their two daughters.

“You’re on your last warning Crow.” Joel said as they piled into the elevator with the family. “I mean it.” 

* * *

In the food hall, both Mike and Joel had got their breakfasts and the breakfasts of Servo and Crow. Crow was stabbing at his waffle with a fork, while Servo was just looking longingly at his apple sauce. 

“Don’t play its your food, Crow.” Mike said, as he examined the times schedule he’d been given upon check-in.

”Come on, Mike. You’re not studying for an exam.” Joel put some waffle in his mouth. “How hard can it be to choose a park?” He asked, spraying bits of chewed up waffle. 

“Now, Joel, these things take time-“ 

Joel snatched the times schedule from Mike and swallowed hard. 

“Hey!” Mike put his hands on the table indignantly. 

“October 8th.” Joel read. “Extra hour at Epcot this morning. It’s opening at eight.” 

“So?” Crow asked. 

“We’re going to Epcot.” Joel said. 

“What’s Epcot?” Servo asked. 

“Yeah, what is Epcot, Joel?” Crow asked. 

“It’s a theme park.” Mike said. “And it has lots of fun things in it.” 

“Yeah, but none of those things are like... The Magic Kingdom has the Snow White ride and the Monsters Inc. show. Epcot doesn’t have any of that.” Joel said.

”So what’s the point in Epcot?” Crow asked. “I’m just asking, if it’s not Disney themed, why is it in Disney World?” 

“Well, what Joel said is right, but they do have a Finding Nemo ride and a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Show-“

”Honey, I Shrunk the Audience.” Joel put another forkful of waffle in his mouth. 

“What?” 

“It’s called Honey, I Shrunk the Audience.” Joel explained. “We’re the ones who get Shrunk by Rick Moranis.”

”But not really, though Joel?” Crow asked. 

“No, not really.” Mike said. 

“What other parks are there, Joel?” 

“Magic Kingdom. That’s the uh, ultimate Disney one. Then there’s Hollywood Studios, Animal Kingdom, the indoor theme park DisneyQuest, the shopping district Downtown Disney, the nightclub district The Boardwalk... and there’s also two water parks, Typhoon Lagoon and Blizzard Beach-but we won’t be going there.” Joel listed.

”Why not?” Crow stabbed what was left of his waffle as hard as he could.

Mike picked up a strip of bacon from his plate. ”You’ll rust.” He took a bite of the bacon. 

“We won’t rust!” Servo protested. “I’m a gumball machine! I can’t rust!”

”You can rust.” Joel said. “Now eat your food.” 

“Yeah, you ungrateful metal pests.” Mike added.

”I’m not metal-“

”Crow, honey, molybdenum is metal.”

”Oh.” Crow looked down at his mashed up waffles, drenched in Maple Syrup. 

“Epcot it is then.” Mike said.

”Can’t wait!” Joel smiled. 

“Neither can we.” Crow said, almost unenthusiastically. 

“Yeah.” Servo agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The best part about checking into a Disney World hotel is the free Mickey Mouse stickers. I didn’t get any this time, which bummed me out a little. So I’m living vicariously through the bots there.


End file.
